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The marriage of Joan Gilbert

A social media post by my husband’s mistress

My husband’s mistress posted on social media a meme that said  “I wear his hoodie because it smells like him.” 

This is comment I wanted to post: Well let me tell you what you are smelling whore.  You smell my perfume mixed with my laundry detergent, because he is not capable of helping around the house.  I launder his clothes, fold them and even put them away for him.  You also smell cigarette smoke on his hoodie.  Because he would rather be outside smoking than inside making memories with his children.  You do NOT smell the tears his children have shed because their lives have changed drastically thanks to you and your disgusting vagina.  Because they do NOT go running to him, they come running to me.  You do not smell my tears either.  Because neither you or Sam is worth the shed of tears.  

You told me not to be too hard on myself.  I will not be.  I don’t blame myself in the least for you.  YOU came to my wedding and apparently found it appropriate to exchange numbers with the groom.  WHO DOES THAT?  Yes, my body has changed substantially because I had one very difficult pregnancy and one easy pregnancy, both resulting in two beautiful children.  But, I look awesome for someone that has popped out two kids, runs a business, and maintains what used to be a four person household.  

I never replied to you or spoke to you when you confessed your affair to me, trying to be the bigger person.  I will never let you have the upper hand.  I run this shit. I do wish to tell you that Sam did not give a flying fuck about you.  You were something warm for him to stick his dick in.  That is it.  If it was not for you, it would have been some other whore.  I know, I have caught him before- her name was Trish.  So don’t think you are some amazing woman, because you are not- just a piece of trash.   

To Sam- the shit you have put this family through is ridiculous.  I will never forgive you for breaking this family.  You are nothing to me anymore, but I feel terrible for the kids.  They did not ask for this, nor could they control any of it.  You want to hide this from everyone, and in doing so you are putting me in a terrible position.    You say your family did nothing to me and I should not take it out on them.  You are right, YOU did this to EVERYONE, not just me.  You should take responsibilities for your asinine decisions.  But you are not, you are just hiding like everything is ok and waiting for me to get over this.  Again, I have to be the bigger person.   This is not fair, when do I get to be angry?  When do I get to make immature decisions and be a child?  

I hate that you have created this mess.  I hate you.

Because this is real life

“You are leaving him, right?” my oldest sister asked 48 hours later.  

“No,” I replied. 

She just stared at me, she had no response.  What would she say?  In all the movies and TV shows, the wife throws all his belongings in the front yard.  Sometimes she makes a huge scene in some public display of how he cheated.  Why was I not reacting this way?  How could I possibly stay?  Because this is real life. 

The days are filled with numbness, anger, and sadness, but hardly anyone would know. There are bad days- days that I could not get myself out of bed to go running.  A morning where I contemplated calling in sick, but realized if I stay home, all I will do is over think, over analyze, and just be depressed which will make me even more depressed because then I will be even further behind at work.  

I got up and started to get ready, the whole time wondering how could he and why did he? 

I could not look at him.

Got to work and tried not to cry each and every moment.  A person at the office said it was their 35th wedding anniversary.  I will not have one of those either.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to tell them.  But, I just smiled and congratulated them.

My in-laws came this weekend.  His sister took me shopping and on the way to the mall she was lecturing me on how this is a tough part of marriage with small kids.  You change who you are, men don’t help, kids take all the time and energy so there is nothing left for the both of you.  So, I told her everything, and while it felt good to get some anger out, it really hurt reliving it all over again- in detail. 

She told her mother.  I felt bad because I should have let Sam tell them, but he didn’t and probably never will.  I know Sam needs someone on his side, and I don’t mean to take that from him, but he took so much away from me and the kids, security, the end of the dream of “living happily ever after”, he brought back the fear of the unknown.  

Imagining being a single mom was terrifying.  There will not be time for me.  No more running.  No more 20 minutes of just me.  I will either be a mom or a boss, 24-7.  Or even worse, I won’t have the kids and they will be with him.  On Christmas, or birthday’s, or just a Friday night. I can’t do this.  I feel like the lesser of the two evils is staying, so I slap that fake smile back on my face and continue to breathe – in and out. 

#whyIstayedwithacheater   #marriedtoanadulterer

The dissection 

So what happened to our marriage? Why did it go south? While his “sex addiction” did not play a helpful role, it was not entirely his fault.  Once I became a mom it consumed me and I embraced it.  There was nothing else in the world that mattered.  Everything I would do in life was for them.  I love my children with all my being. Making every day they had filled with wonder and joy became the most important thing in my life. Providing them with the best life possible was the reason I got up each and every morning.  Motherhood changed me, literally overnight.  I went from working my ass off 24/7 to nothing else matters except my children.  

It was not the same for Sam, fatherhood seemed to be just another thing for him to have to deal with on his journey to the couch.  I know he loves his children and would do most things for them, but it was just not the same as what I was experiencing. So overnight he went from having a wife, to having 3 roommates – 2 of which were pretty damn needy.  He lost his wife that listened to him and paid attention to him.  She was replaced with someone who was positively exhausted, running an organization and taking care of two tiny humans. She also lost herself.  

The distance grew.  Separate bedrooms occurred due to snoring and teeth grinding.  Our marriage had become functional and not a marriage- we were all simply roommates. 

We never complemented one another.  We never built each other up.  We were not a team.  We didn’t strive to improve one another’s day or remotely go out of our own way to make the other’s day a little brighter, let alone easier.  We didn’t look at each other when we had a bad day or even to celebrate a good day.  We had great sex.  We made beautiful kids.  Everything else, we failed at really. 

I would think- oh- he will be miserable without me, no one will want him.  But the truth is he would probably be happier without me.  He had not had any trouble finding my replacement in the 4 years we have been married.  He has a very active sex life.  He seeks and finds other women that think he is this amazing balloon pilot with a steady job.  Granted, they are trash, but they still put him on a pedestal.  Something I have not done in years.  They see in him what I saw in him 4 years ago when I wanted to marry him.  He sees a relationship without responsibility- no nagging about what to feed the kids for dinner this week.  What to get for who for Christmas or birthday.  Prepare for this event or that event.  He will be happier without me and the truth is, that stings a little.

#marriedlifeishard #marriedtoasexaddict

 

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